The BIG date is set!!!

September 20th is the BIG day. The day I will get a cochlear implant in my left ear. The day my life will change as I know it. I found out on Monday. Yes, three days ago. You wonder why I didn't shout it out from the rooftops that day? I wondered that myself also. All the weeks leading up to the day I would find out, I imagined how excited I would be and how I would be so excited to tell the world about it. My reaction was certainly different than my imagination. The last three days I've been sorting through lots of feelings that I'm having and I still am. I never thought I could feel so much at once. I am excited and happy but along with that comes uncertainty, fear and curiosity. Uncertainty of the unknown. Fear of change. Curiosity of how it's all going to unfold for me. I'm 43 years old. I've been hearing impaired all of my life. That's all I know. In one day that will change in the blink of an eye. Like many of us, I have my comfort zone. I'm going way out of my comfort zone. Not that I don't want to but it's not an easy task. I have a lot of work ahead of me. Am I up to it? Yes, of course I am. I did years of training when I was little and I can do it again. That's the easy part. The hardest part for me will be changing what I've known for 43 years to something so new. I will still be the same Lisa. My personality won't change but I know in some ways I will change. I wrote a letter to my Mom and Dad last week. I wanted them to know how grateful I am to have them as parents, for them to have been so deeply involved in teaching me from a very young age and for giving me the tools I needed so I could be where I am today. I know where I came from. I'm proud of myself and who I am. I am glad I am hearing impaired.  It doesn't make me "me" but it is a part of who I am. God gave me a gift when I was born and I'm about to receive another gift. I have a purpose and I know that now. I took a huge leap of faith in the beginning of all of this. I've learned so much in the last ten weeks. I've learned about patience, faith, trust, gratitude and most of all LOVE. I'm ready for this.....ready as I will ever be. September seems far away but yet so close. It was the first available date they had. Some wonder if I'm sad that it's five months away.....not at all. It's all part of this journey I'm on. It's how it's supposed to be. As many of you know, I am a summer girl. I can't wait to enjoy this summer like never before! My Mom and I are still working on our book.....I will be writing lots until then. My oldest will graduate from college in Texas two weeks after my surgery. My husband and my other three children will keep me busy as always. My life is richly blessed and until the "big" day, I will continue to live in each moment. What more can I ask for?

To the most important teacher in my life: "I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart, but for you my heart has no bottom" ~Author Unknown........

Today was an AMAZING day! And how fitting it was, as I am embarking on a new chapter of my life. As I began this journey, my mind kept going back to some very important people in my life. One person I thought about so often and more so now than ever, was a very special teacher. She had such an impact on my life because I am where I am today because of her, along with my parents. She taught me how to lipread so well. She gave my parents the skills and lessons to work with me at home. I lost touch with her over the years and she had moved to Texas. I had to find Ms. Ann. I searched through Facebook. I found her name but there was no profile picture.....she does not like to have her picture taken :)  I sent a private message to her in hopes that she was the one I was looking for. She responded! I was thrilled. Over the next few months, she would read my blogs. She was excited for me. I prayed one day I would get to see her again and show my gratitude.  She emailed me in March and told me she was coming to Dayton in April to visit her sister and hoped we could meet. My prayers were answered! I had wanted this for so long. It had been 32 years since I had seen her! My Dad, my Mom and I met with her at Mimi's Cafe this afternoon. I was so anxious all morning and just couldn't wait. I walked into the lobby and there she was standing there. After all these years, I recognized her face especially her lips. We hugged each other so tightly. It took everything I had to hold my tears back. My heart was so full of gratitude for this woman, this very special teacher and I hoped she knew. We talked for almost three hours. Nonstop. We talked about my upcoming cochlear surgery and reminisced over the days of her teaching me. She taught me from the age of two until I was eight years old. I saw her three days a week for an hour each time. She worked with me in a group setting and privately. She taught me how to lipread by feeling her voice with my hand, by teaching me how form the sounds of each letter in the alphabet, by vibrations of the floor in response to her voice and by repeating words and sentences after her over and over. Week after week for many years, my parents drove me to Dayton to see her.......they never gave up. I am forever grateful to my parents who believed in me. Ms. Ann believed in me. She was told  I would never get past 4th grade level and that I should not be in public schools. Ms. Ann worked with me until I perfected my lipreading and language skills. My parents never gave up and they fought hard for me. My Mom put up a little fight for me to start kindergarten in the Kettering City Schools. They told my Mom I belonged in a deaf school. She refused to back down and she prevailed. I was taught well by Ms. Ann and I was ready for kindergarten. She moved away when I was eight years old and I continued my speech therapy in the schools twice a week. While I was talking with her today, I could feel the love from her. I could tell she was so proud of me and the woman I have become. She was happy that I was happy. She was happy that my parents were there and that they are still supportive of me in every way. As we got up to leave and my parents walked ahead of us, she looked at me and told me I had the best parents and I just knew what she meant. They did everything in their power for their child, me, because they believed in all of the possibilities for me. We hugged goodbye and said "I love you". When I walked back to the car with my Mom, I broke down in tears because I was overwhelmed with gratitude for Ms. Ann and her role in my life. It is my only hope that she knows how much. I love you Ms. Ann.

The best news today......

After waiting almost nine weeks I finally have my answer.....I am APPROVED!!!!
I woke up this morning so excited to go on my daughter Hannah's field trip to the Cincinnati Zoo. It was a beautiful day.....so gorgeous. I loved riding the school bus with her class and another chaperone, a very dear friend of mine. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and was feeling blessed all day. This is Hannah's last year in elementary school so it was very bittersweet for me. As I walked through the zoo with Hannah and my group, I was savoring every moment with her watching her laughs and smiles. Hannah and I share a very special bond and I am so grateful for it. She and I can steal looks at each other and we don't need words to speak our love for each other. We just know it and feel it. It was a great day.  I came home and Todd was awake. I had this peaceful feeling so I asked him to call Anthem to check on the status. The last two weeks were frustrating and probably the longest waiting time for me. Two weeks ago, I received a letter in the mail from Anthem saying the implant device was approved. I cried tears of joy and I was elated. But before I got too excited, I had Todd call my ENT office to confirm this. They said yes, the device was approved but they needed two codes. There was only one code in the letter which was for the device. They needed the other code for the surgery itself. My heart sank. I was quickly brought back to reality. More waiting. I waited a week. Last Monday, we called Anthem to check on the status. They told Todd they were still waiting on the code from my office. I called my office and they said sent the code. Ugh. There was a miscommunication along the lines somewhere so we asked them to please follow up on it. I thought I would give it until Wednesday to call Anthem. Wednesday and Thursday passed. I didn't feel the need to call. Then today I woke up feeling really great and just felt peaceful all day. So, when I asked Todd to call Anthem today I wasn't feeling anxious at all. It was a different feeling. I was ready. Todd makes the call and I'm watching his lips very intently. He writes all these numbers down. And I hear him say, "so this is the authorization code for approval of both the device and surgery?" and then he smiles. I just knew! My eyes start tearing up. I couldn't believe it!! I am approved! My heart just burst with joy! He immediately called my ENT office and talked to the scheduler. Even though he had the authorization code, she said we had to wait until we get the letter with the second code before we could set a surgery date. It's okay! I will probably get the letter tomorrow or the first of the week. What's another few days, right? I am elated. A huge weight has been lifted and I can relax. If anything, I have learned so much about patience and trust the last nine weeks. It was definitely an emotional rollercoaster for me and I was ready to get off but with each passing day, I learned how to be more patient. I learned so much about trusting in God's plan for me. The last few weeks, I noticed if I got frustrated or discouraged I was able to tell myself, there is a reason for whatever happened and I was able to trust in Him wholeheartedly. He is handpicking everything for me! How amazing is that? Today is Good Friday....the day He died for me....what an ultimate act of love. I am so humbled and so thankful.

The sounds of nature through my eyes.......

This week is Spring Break for my kids. Monday was my day off work. Hannah had her best friend, Chloe spend the night. It was a gorgeous spring day. Although there was a little chill in the air, the sun is shining and the sun feels warm as I step out on the patio. I was trying to think of something free or cheap to do with the girls. I yearned to be outside since I have a love affair with the sun..... then it hit me. I go back inside and I ask the girls, "What do you think about going hiking today and then going to Rita's afterwards?" Their eyes widened with excitement and they hurry to change into long pants and get their shoes on. We make the drive to the Bill Yeck Park in Sugarcreek Reserves. I hear the girls chattering away in the back seat. I glance in my rearview mirror occasionally and I catch the sweet and innocent smiles on their face as they talk intently with one another. We arrive at the park and make our way down the long steps toward our two hour long hike. I am a few steps ahead and I hear them talking with excitement. Hannah tells me she remembers hiking here before. I asked Chloe if she has hiked here before and she tells me this is her first time hiking and I could sense the excitement in her voice. I knew this would be a good day with the girls. As we walk along, I feel the warmth of the bright sun on my face. It was just enough to take the chill off. The sky is blue. Everything is starting to bloom. As we make our way to the trail we hop around the muddy areas of grass being careful not to get our shoes soaked and muddy. As I walk along the trail, I see signs of life....the yellow grass turning to shades of green, the viny plants starting to grow, the little blooms on the branches of the trees, the water rushing swiftly along the creek, birds flying freely in the air......spring is here! This day almost iconic to me. I see spring as a new birth, a new season, in other words.....a new life. I'm thinking to myself as I see new life coming anew through nature, my life is changing in that very same sense. I imagine myself getting the cochlear implant and how everything will change. It will be a new life. I sometimes wonder if I will be like a butterfly making its way out of its cocoon ready to explore the world. I'm excited. I can't wait. Along the walk, I wonder about the sounds of nature. I wonder what it will be like to hear the grass crunch underneath my shoes as I walk. I can only imagine it to sound like paper crumpling. I think to myself how cool it would be to understand some of what the the girls are saying without lipreading as they walk behind me. There is a little wind in the air. I wonder to myself if I will hear the wind better. I imagine it to be like a whooshing sound or maybe a gentle blowing sound. The girls throw stones in the creek. I hear small splashes but I wonder how it really sounds sometimes. I imagine it to sound like big smacks against the water or big drips. We edge our way to the creek. There are big stepping stones across the creek. I sit down on a large rock on the side of the creek as the girls sit on the rocks in the middle of the creek. I watch them dig in the water with sticks and play with the water. Hannah looks up at me and smiles. I asked Hannah if Chloe knows what is happening with me. Chloe looks up confused and says, "What?" I asked her if her Mom told her what was going to be happening with me soon and she still looks confused. Hannah tells Chloe, "my mom is going to be getting a cochlear so she can hear. " Chloe exclaims "Oh my gosh, congratulations!" and smiles at me. So I get into a conversation with them about sounds of nature. I asked Hannah if she could hear the water rushing down the creek and she says,  "yes, it sounds very beautiful." I imagine it to sound very calming as it sloshes against the rocks. I talk about birds and crickets chirping and wonder how that sounds and Chloe pipes in and says "I heard a bird chirping today!" It was a really cool conversation to have with them and I tell them I want to bring them back here after I get my implant so I can hear all the sounds they are hearing. They both smiled at me and said "Oh yes!" We get up and make our walk back to the car. I think how amazing it would be to come back with the girls and experience the sounds of nature in a whole new way. My Mom once told me that I have a very keen sense of observation and that is one thing I know will never change after my implant. I often wonder what it will be like to hear sounds of nature not only through my eyes but my ears also.......like a butterfly, I'm excited to make my way to explore this new world of beautiful sounds! Hopfully my approval letter will come very soon........

"Be still and know that I am God".....

I know it has been awhile since my last post. So much has happened the last few weeks. It has been a little over six weeks since my doctor's office submitted the request for my cochlear implant to my insurance company. The first few weeks flew by for me as I kept busy with the winding down of my boys', Matt and Andrew's wrestling season. Those weeks were lifesavers for me because I didn't have time to think about waiting for an approval. I just thought one day I would be surprised to get the letter in the mailbox when I least expected it. That was for sure.....it came on a day that I least expected it and it was not the letter I wanted. Three weeks ago, my son Matt wrestled at the high school state tournament at Ohio State in Columbus. All of our family were there.....we were all thrilled and excited to be sharing this with him for the second time in his high school wrestling career. In a matter of a day, it all changed. It went from high emotions of excitement to moments of heartbreak and scariness. Matt had an infection behind his knee earlier in the week and it developed into cellulitis. It spread so fast within hours of the state tournament. It was so hard for me as a Mom to watch my son suffer heartbreak as he lost the match to place by one point. He fought as long as he could with the pain he had. He knew before the match he had to go to the hospital regardless if he won or lost. What we thought would be just a few hours in the hospital turned out to be almost four days. It was much more serious than we thought and Matt ended up having surgery on his knee. He was on IV antibiotics for three days. I learned alot that weekend. I learned about perserverance.... how hard he perservered through pain was an amazing thing for me to watch, although so heartbreaking. I witnessed God's grace through many events that unfolded that weekend. We were so blessed to have so many friends in our wrestling community rally behind Matt and our family. After almost 4 days he was able to come home. My oldest, Chris had flown in from Texas that same weekend to spend his spring break at home. I was so elated all of us would be home together that week and couldn't wait to get home. The day we came home from the hospital, I flipped through my mail. I see an envelope from Anthem and opened it thinking it was another claim form. It was the letter I least expected. All I could see was the word "PENDED" in capital letters. My heart sank. I read the letter several times. I took it as being denied. I went into my room and cried a little. Or maybe alot. I texted my Mom and Dad. Todd knew I was disappointed but yet he remained hopeful. He reminded me that my audiologist said at the beginning this might happen and that it happens alot. My Mom and Dad were still being very positive and tried to be encouraging to me. At the time, I thought, okay, this will just be another week or so. I focused on Matt's recovery at home and cherished the time I had with Chris the remaining week. I kept busy at work the following week. I felt somewhat sad and alone in my thoughts each day. It was like I was in this whirlwind of activities for so many weeks then, whoa, it came to a halt. There wasn't anything for me to do but think. I was sad Chris had to leave. My mind would race and the planner in me would think all these thoughts of how I would plan my surgery date around our summer activities. I became focused on checking the mail everyday. It was consuming my thoughts and I became more discouraged each day. There were two days I slept alot. I think I was trying to escape how I felt. It was not like me and I didn't like the way I felt. I didn't like the way I was allowing it to play with my emotions. I poured out my feelings to Todd earlier this week.  He is my best friend and my rock. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes. He tells me I need to let it go and let it happen. I am reminded God is in control. As a mom, I like to plan things and make things easier around our many activities, as I think most moms are, and as much as I would like to be in control, really.....I am not. God is in control. Today has been a tearful one for me. Not tears of sadness, but tears of realization and thankfulness. I realized today I had been cramming my days with activities to take the focus off of waiting for my approval. I wanted to be surprised and get that letter in the midst of all my activities. I was trying to control how I wanted it to happen. Today, I came across Psalm 46:10: "Be still and know that I am God." Wow, I feel like God is telling me something. My world was busy and all of a sudden it's not.....it's so easy to get caught up in it. Maybe this was His way of telling me to take time out, draw near Him, to pause and know that He is God. It is only in stillness, when every other voice is hushed, that we can hear the voice of God. Be still, and know. He wants me to trust in Him, in His plan for me. I am so thankful for a faithful God who loves me and knows my plan before I do!

Another week passes.....thank goodness I am a busy Mom!

It has been one week since I was told I am a candidate. I am still waiting to hear from my insurance company. My doctor submitted it two weeks ago so I keep thinking it could be four more weeks or any day now. I keep imagining what it will be like to get that letter in the mail. I'm still feeling excited but at the same time I am keeping myself so busy that I'm not letting the waiting consume my thoughts. I had a really good week and it went by so quickly. On Tuesday, the day after I was told I was a candidate I was feeling so good.....it was like an euphoric feeling. I was floating on air all day. I think it was the sense of knowing what the answer was and just the sense of relief that came with it. The weeks leading up to that day of finding out were so long . It was the not knowing and the wondering that made it seem like forever, I think. Now that I know, I have this sense of peace. Quite a different feeling than I've had in a long time. I just have this peace of knowing I can deal with whatever comes my way. Whether it's good or bad, I know now that I can just step over that stone. I can deal with it and move on. Obstacles are not the end of the world. They are there to test your strength, to persevere and to learn from them. I believe everything happens for a reason.  I can certainly say that I have had many obstacles in my lifetime but I am a better and stronger person because of them. I am learning it is much easier to overcome the obstacles when I simply don't get caught up in the moment. Hard to do for many of us including me. It is so easy at times not to see past what is put in front of you at the moment but I try to envision that whatever obstacle comes my way will pass. It will.  Faith moves me forward. I am still amazed at all the events that led up to today. God has a plan for me! One thing that I have learned in the last few weeks is just to live in the moment. Before, I would rush to get to the end result of whatever I wanted. I am learning to live in each moment as I experience this journey. I love it! I love this change in how I feel. As I said in my previous post, this waiting will teach me a thing or two about patience. For sure. I am already feeling it. I have truly enjoyed this week. Work has kept me busy all week. My coworkers are so happy for me. I love being with my family in the evenings. Thank goodness I was busy most of the weekend at my son, Matt's sectional wrestling tournament. It was a great weekend. He was sectional champ! This was one weekend I truly enjoyed being around my wrestling family. I am living in the moment. I feel my relationship with Todd strengthening more so lately. His support means so much to me. He encourages me through all of the emotions I am experiencing on this journey. As I look back, I always put my family first before myself at whatever cost. It almost seems weird that my feelings are shifting as I go after my dream. I am realizing it is okay to do something for myself. I am realizing that I am worthy of this and deserve it. It's not shifting our family dynamic at all that Mom wants to do something for herself! If anything, it is strengthening our family. I am just amazed at how incredibly blessed I am to have my husband and four children by my side. I got a really nice email from my Mom this week. She told me how proud of me she was and how excited and happy she was to be sharing this with me. I know she also worries at times for me but that's part of being a Mom. She was not sure how I would be feeling the next day after finding out I was a candidate and was relieved to hear that I was feeling excited. She told me she wondered if the change I imagine that comes with a cochlear would mean a loss of the kind of life I've had. Not a sad loss but it will be a change. It won't change the person I am but it will be a huge change for me. Wow, that certainly made me think alot about that this week. I am sure I will experience some of those feelings. But I won't know until I actually experience it. As my Mom said, my hearing aids, lipreading, voice, focus and keen sense of observation are all so much a part of me. Very true. I know I won't change as a person. I will still be me. I imagine that all of what my Mom described will be enhanced by the cochlear. I can imagine that I will be able to achieve so much more with it......the possibilities are endless! But this also reminds me of others closest to me......of their emotions and feelings as they experience this with me. I am sure my Mom and Dad are going through their own set of emotions. I can only imagine what they are feeling as they are watching their daughter go through this journey. I am sure it is scary in some ways. Their feelings are just as raw and real as mine are. But I'm feeling so close and connected to them now as never before.
Looking forward to another good week of learning, experiencing......and LIVING in each moment.

And another door opens today......I am a candidate!!

My head has been swimming all day.....it still seems unreal. I can't believe it! What a long week it was for me. I kept myself busy all week in hopes of the week passing by quickly. I never in my life wished for a Monday to come ever so swiftly. That is so unlike me.....I savor my weekends and want them to last. However, just this once I had very good reason.  I tossed and turned all night. As anxious as I was, this was one morning that I really had to drag myself out of bed. So many thoughts were running through my head. I took my shower, got ready and made my coffee. I had an hour to kill.....that was the longest wait for my Mom to arrive. I am always busy.....always finding something to do around the house. But this time I just could not. I sat in the chair in my family room. The tv was off. There was complete silence. All I could do at the moment was just sit still in silence and smell the aroma of my coffee. I start to shed some tears. Then I feel a peace envelope me. I am ready to go and hear what my doctor has to say about the results of the testing and cat scan. My Mom finally arrives and we leave for my appointment. My Dad is waiting for me in the waiting room. It means so much to me to have my parents with me on this monumental day.....they fought so hard for me from the time they found out about my hearing loss when I was eight months old. And here I am 43 years later.....they're still rooting for me. I am grateful beyond words of the tremendous support I have from my family. I walk back into my doctor's office with my parents behind me. After Dr. Turner examines my ears he goes over the results with me. He tells me I am a candidate! I smile at my Mom and Dad. I see joy on their faces. Dr. Turner asks me if I had a choice, which ear would I prefer to have the implant in. I tell him my right ear because of my declining loss from the infections I had. He said either ear could be done but it was his high recommendation that we do my left ear, my good ear. He discussed the many reasons with my parents and I, but the most important being that he did not want to put me in further risk with the recurrent infections I keep having in my right ear. He says there is no significant difference in hearing loss between both ears so it would not make a huge difference in which ear was done. In my mind, I'm thinking I've always favored my right ear and wanted to make it better. I don't know if it's because I am right handed. I am feeling uncertain and ask him many questions. He takes the time to answer all of our questions. In the end, I decide I am very comfortable in trusting in his experience and expertise. We decide the left ear is best. I am still trying to let it sink in when he tells me that from the results I have zero to two percent understanding without lipreading and can get up to 65 percent! Without lipreading! I cannot imagine it. I've relied on it all of my life....it is my language. I still can't believe it when he said I may lose some of my lipreading skills because I won't need to rely on it as much. Amazing. I leave the office with every emotion you can imagine. I never thought I could feel such a wide range of emotions all at once. My parents are so excited for me. We all leave to go to Applebee's for lunch. My Dad's wife, Wendy meets us there. I'm excited to share the news with her. She looks at me and says, from the smiles on all of your faces I take it as good news. I say yes and we hugged. She is happy for me. I am so lucky to have her in my life. She rallies behind me in everything I do. The support system I have with my family is unbelievable. I can't wait to share the news with the rest of my family. Todd works third shift so I am anxious to tell him the news when he gets up. I text Chris in Texas knowing he is in school but would respond when he could. It wasn't but a few minutes when he texts me, "Yay!". I text Matt in school and knew he would get back to me during his lunch hour. He responded quickly and texts me, "Sweet. That is so awesome!". When I pick Hannah up from school, I sat in the car with her and told her of the news. She exlaimed, "Oh!" and grabs my arm with excitement. I patiently wait for Andrew to text me back when he is close to his bus stop. He normally walks home but I pick him up today. I share with him the news. He smiles at me and says, "Cool!". All of my children's responses were different but they mean so much to me in every way. I am getting impatient waiting for Todd to wake up because I can't wait to tell him. He finally wakes up. I share the good news with him and he tells me, "I just knew it."  He gives me a hug and a kiss as he pours his coffee. Then he tells me to tell him everything that happened today. He is so excited for me. I spend the rest of the day processing it all. It's happening! Now the waiting game begins.....the approval from my insurance company. It can take up to six weeks. They say if all goes well, I can be looking at the end of May or early June for my surgery date. I am not a very patient person when it comes to waiting so I'm sure I will learn a thing or two about patience! Every day on this journey I am learning so much about myself. I am allowing myself to experience every imaginable emotion and to embrace them. Each incident is a stepping stone for me.....the doctor's visits, the cat scan, the testing, the results, the wait and so on. It's like I'm in this long hallway and God just keeps opening doors for me. I walk through each door with joy and thankfulness that He is showing me that I can trust in Him and not be afraid. What a gift!
As I said to my Mom before she left today, "Here we go!"..........