Sunday, February 19, 2012

Another week passes.....thank goodness I am a busy Mom!

It has been one week since I was told I am a candidate. I am still waiting to hear from my insurance company. My doctor submitted it two weeks ago so I keep thinking it could be four more weeks or any day now. I keep imagining what it will be like to get that letter in the mail. I'm still feeling excited but at the same time I am keeping myself so busy that I'm not letting the waiting consume my thoughts. I had a really good week and it went by so quickly. On Tuesday, the day after I was told I was a candidate I was feeling so good.....it was like an euphoric feeling. I was floating on air all day. I think it was the sense of knowing what the answer was and just the sense of relief that came with it. The weeks leading up to that day of finding out were so long . It was the not knowing and the wondering that made it seem like forever, I think. Now that I know, I have this sense of peace. Quite a different feeling than I've had in a long time. I just have this peace of knowing I can deal with whatever comes my way. Whether it's good or bad, I know now that I can just step over that stone. I can deal with it and move on. Obstacles are not the end of the world. They are there to test your strength, to persevere and to learn from them. I believe everything happens for a reason.  I can certainly say that I have had many obstacles in my lifetime but I am a better and stronger person because of them. I am learning it is much easier to overcome the obstacles when I simply don't get caught up in the moment. Hard to do for many of us including me. It is so easy at times not to see past what is put in front of you at the moment but I try to envision that whatever obstacle comes my way will pass. It will.  Faith moves me forward. I am still amazed at all the events that led up to today. God has a plan for me! One thing that I have learned in the last few weeks is just to live in the moment. Before, I would rush to get to the end result of whatever I wanted. I am learning to live in each moment as I experience this journey. I love it! I love this change in how I feel. As I said in my previous post, this waiting will teach me a thing or two about patience. For sure. I am already feeling it. I have truly enjoyed this week. Work has kept me busy all week. My coworkers are so happy for me. I love being with my family in the evenings. Thank goodness I was busy most of the weekend at my son, Matt's sectional wrestling tournament. It was a great weekend. He was sectional champ! This was one weekend I truly enjoyed being around my wrestling family. I am living in the moment. I feel my relationship with Todd strengthening more so lately. His support means so much to me. He encourages me through all of the emotions I am experiencing on this journey. As I look back, I always put my family first before myself at whatever cost. It almost seems weird that my feelings are shifting as I go after my dream. I am realizing it is okay to do something for myself. I am realizing that I am worthy of this and deserve it. It's not shifting our family dynamic at all that Mom wants to do something for herself! If anything, it is strengthening our family. I am just amazed at how incredibly blessed I am to have my husband and four children by my side. I got a really nice email from my Mom this week. She told me how proud of me she was and how excited and happy she was to be sharing this with me. I know she also worries at times for me but that's part of being a Mom. She was not sure how I would be feeling the next day after finding out I was a candidate and was relieved to hear that I was feeling excited. She told me she wondered if the change I imagine that comes with a cochlear would mean a loss of the kind of life I've had. Not a sad loss but it will be a change. It won't change the person I am but it will be a huge change for me. Wow, that certainly made me think alot about that this week. I am sure I will experience some of those feelings. But I won't know until I actually experience it. As my Mom said, my hearing aids, lipreading, voice, focus and keen sense of observation are all so much a part of me. Very true. I know I won't change as a person. I will still be me. I imagine that all of what my Mom described will be enhanced by the cochlear. I can imagine that I will be able to achieve so much more with it......the possibilities are endless! But this also reminds me of others closest to me......of their emotions and feelings as they experience this with me. I am sure my Mom and Dad are going through their own set of emotions. I can only imagine what they are feeling as they are watching their daughter go through this journey. I am sure it is scary in some ways. Their feelings are just as raw and real as mine are. But I'm feeling so close and connected to them now as never before.
Looking forward to another good week of learning, experiencing......and LIVING in each moment.







Monday, February 13, 2012

And another door opens today......I am a candidate!!

My head has been swimming all day.....it still seems unreal. I can't believe it! What a long week it was for me. I kept myself busy all week in hopes of the week passing by quickly. I never in my life wished for a Monday to come ever so swiftly. That is so unlike me.....I savor my weekends and want them to last. However, just this once I had very good reason.  I tossed and turned all night. As anxious as I was, this was one morning that I really had to drag myself out of bed. So many thoughts were running through my head. I took my shower, got ready and made my coffee. I had an hour to kill.....that was the longest wait for my Mom to arrive. I am always busy.....always finding something to do around the house. But this time I just could not. I sat in the chair in my family room. The tv was off. There was complete silence. All I could do at the moment was just sit still in silence and smell the aroma of my coffee. I start to shed some tears. Then I feel a peace envelope me. I am ready to go and hear what my doctor has to say about the results of the testing and cat scan. My Mom finally arrives and we leave for my appointment. My Dad is waiting for me in the waiting room. It means so much to me to have my parents with me on this monumental day.....they fought so hard for me from the time they found out about my hearing loss when I was eight months old. And here I am 43 years later.....they're still rooting for me. I am grateful beyond words of the tremendous support I have from my family. I walk back into my doctor's office with my parents behind me. After Dr. Turner examines my ears he goes over the results with me. He tells me I am a candidate! I smile at my Mom and Dad. I see joy on their faces. Dr. Turner asks me if I had a choice, which ear would I prefer to have the implant in. I tell him my right ear because of my declining loss from the infections I had. He said either ear could be done but it was his high recommendation that we do my left ear, my good ear. He discussed the many reasons with my parents and I, but the most important being that he did not want to put me in further risk with the recurrent infections I keep having in my right ear. He says there is no significant difference in hearing loss between both ears so it would not make a huge difference in which ear was done. In my mind, I'm thinking I've always favored my right ear and wanted to make it better. I don't know if it's because I am right handed. I am feeling uncertain and ask him many questions. He takes the time to answer all of our questions. In the end, I decide I am very comfortable in trusting in his experience and expertise. We decide the left ear is best. I am still trying to let it sink in when he tells me that from the results I have zero to two percent understanding without lipreading and can get up to 65 percent! Without lipreading! I cannot imagine it. I've relied on it all of my life....it is my language. I still can't believe it when he said I may lose some of my lipreading skills because I won't need to rely on it as much. Amazing. I leave the office with every emotion you can imagine. I never thought I could feel such a wide range of emotions all at once. My parents are so excited for me. We all leave to go to Applebee's for lunch. My Dad's wife, Wendy meets us there. I'm excited to share the news with her. She looks at me and says, from the smiles on all of your faces I take it as good news. I say yes and we hugged. She is happy for me. I am so lucky to have her in my life. She rallies behind me in everything I do. The support system I have with my family is unbelievable. I can't wait to share the news with the rest of my family. Todd works third shift so I am anxious to tell him the news when he gets up. I text Chris in Texas knowing he is in school but would respond when he could. It wasn't but a few minutes when he texts me, "Yay!". I text Matt in school and knew he would get back to me during his lunch hour. He responded quickly and texts me, "Sweet. That is so awesome!". When I pick Hannah up from school, I sat in the car with her and told her of the news. She exlaimed, "Oh!" and grabs my arm with excitement. I patiently wait for Andrew to text me back when he is close to his bus stop. He normally walks home but I pick him up today. I share with him the news. He smiles at me and says, "Cool!". All of my children's responses were different but they mean so much to me in every way. I am getting impatient waiting for Todd to wake up because I can't wait to tell him. He finally wakes up. I share the good news with him and he tells me, "I just knew it."  He gives me a hug and a kiss as he pours his coffee. Then he tells me to tell him everything that happened today. He is so excited for me. I spend the rest of the day processing it all. It's happening! Now the waiting game begins.....the approval from my insurance company. It can take up to six weeks. They say if all goes well, I can be looking at the end of May or early June for my surgery date. I am not a very patient person when it comes to waiting so I'm sure I will learn a thing or two about patience! Every day on this journey I am learning so much about myself. I am allowing myself to experience every imaginable emotion and to embrace them. Each incident is a stepping stone for me.....the doctor's visits, the cat scan, the testing, the results, the wait and so on. It's like I'm in this long hallway and God just keeps opening doors for me. I walk through each door with joy and thankfulness that He is showing me that I can trust in Him and not be afraid. What a gift!
As I said to my Mom before she left today, "Here we go!"..........











Monday, February 6, 2012

Final testing today......

A week ago today I had my cat scan done. The cat scan is done to check the anatomy of the bone structures in my inner ear. I remember feeling excited that morning on my drive to downtown Dayton. I felt like things were moving forward and that I was one step closer. I kept myself busy all week because the anticipation of the final day of testing was building. I woke up this morning feeling excited and nervous. I looked outside and it was a gorgeous and sunny morning. I took a shower and as I was getting ready I decided to pause for a moment and open my bathroom window. I propped my elbows on the windowstill and just stared outside. The sky was so blue. The sun was shining so bright on my face. The fresh air and slight breeze just felt so good. I was thinking this is the day the Lord hath made....I was grateful and glad for this glorious day. I was ready for today. I finished getting ready and anxiously awaited for my Mom to make her 2 hour drive to be with me. Before my appointment, we go to Applebee's for lunch. We have so many things to talk about.....we pore over the many ideas we have for our book. I am so excited to finally set things in motion for the book we are going to write together about our life experiences and challenges from the time I was born. I intently listen to some of her memories of when I was born.....some of which I had never heard before. I can't wait to hear more as we go along in the book. I am just in awe of what my parents went through for me......I am where I am today because of them. It is a powerful conviction of their love for me.
It was time for my final test. This was a hearing test with my hearing aids in to determine if I am a candidate for a cochlear implant. I sat in a soundproof booth in front of a speaker. My audiologist, Mary Beth, told me there would be a series of three tests. The first was with static sounds. I was to raise my hand each time I heard the noise. It was done with both hearing aids in at the same time then one at a time with each aid alone. The second test was with a man and woman's voice speaking sentences. I was to repeat any words I could hear WITHOUT lipreading. During this test, I was feeling very frustrated. All I could hear was a mumble of many words. I tried so hard to make out the words. The third test was with a male voice that said ready then one word. I was to repeat any words that I could make out. I still could not make out the words. I could hear the sounds but not make out the words. I became more frustrated and realized right there and then how much I really relied on lipreading to make out the sounds of words. I did the very best I could. The test lasted 45 minutes. Mary Beth opened the door of the soundproof booth and I looked at her and said, "That was so frustrating for me. " She told me, "Lisa, I know it's hard and I felt bad telling you to do this test without lipreading but remember, this is a test to see if you are a candidate. This is a test you do not want to do good on." I'm thinking to myself, she's right but in my mind I strive to be the best I can be everyday and I didn't like that feeling of not being able to make out the words. I didn't like that I failed.  But.....I only allowed myself to feel that very briefly. As I walk down the hall to her office, I see Todd in the waiting room. His face was so comforting to see and I was so glad he came. We walk into her office. I was anxious to know how I did. My audiologist tells me in order to qualify for the implant I have to get less than 65 percent of the words right. She tells me out of 100 words with both hearing aids on I only got three words right. With my left aid alone I got two words right. With my right aid alone I got one word right. For a very brief moment my heart sinks and I'm thinking to myself, geez, that's one percent or less. Then Mary Beth tells me, "Lisa, from the results of this test, you are a candidate for the cochlear implant. " My eyes get misty and I look over at my Mom and she has the biggest smile on her face. I see the excitement in her face. Even though I am told I am a candidate, I'm not allowing myself to get too excited because I want to hear the words from my doctor first at my appointment with him next week. Mary Beth proceeds to show me what the implant looks like and tells us everything we need to know about it. My Mom and I must have asked her a thousand questions but she answered all of them thoroughly. Todd was sitting there quietly and listened to all of us intently. Even though he looked serious, I knew from his expressions, he was excited for me. My final appointment is next Monday with my doctor to go over the results of the hearing test and my cat scan. He will tell me then if I am a definite candidate or not. I left the audiologist's office feeling pretty good. As I say goodbye to my Mom, I am feeling very grateful that she shared this day with me. My Dad wanted so badly to come to my appointment but got tied up with work in Columbus. I know he was feeling very anxious and he made the drive straight to my house from Columbus. It was 8:30pm when he arrived. I was so glad to see him. I share with him the news about my appointment. My Dad is truly excited for me. We talked for awhile. As we say goodbye, he walks out the door and looks back at me and says, "Love you". And of course, I tell him I love him too. I close the door and I think to myself, I have the best parents in the world......what a gift.
Until next Monday........