Practice, Patience, Persistence, Prayer.......

This morning I have come up with a new mantra.....the 4 P's for my new hearing journey.....practice, patience, persistence and prayer. I will repeat this in my head over and over. I've got to do this.....I know I CAN.
I asked my Mom to post an update on my facebook on the date of my activation because I knew my family and friends were waiting for an update and I did not want to leave anyone hanging. I wasn't ready to talk or write that day. My emotions were raw. The depths of my emotions that day brought me to an unimaginable place. A place I didn't want to be.
I will describe the "turn on" of my ear the best way I can. My audiologist went through all 24 electrodes in my cochlea on the computer first before turning my ear on. Each electrode is a different pitch/frequency. I had to tell her when each beep was comfortable or loud and she would go lower. She had to get to the threshold level to make it as comfortable as possible for me when my ear was turned on. I had 8 people in the room.....my family....Todd, my children, my Mom, my Dad and his wife. The pressure I put on myself was tremendous. I realize now it was too great. I had the pressure of not only my expectations but my worry of my family's expectations of when it was turned on. I went in there with high expectations. Too high. I thought I would go in there and voila, I would hear sounds like I do with my hearing aids but with greater enhancement and clarity. I did not go in there thinking it was a process. That was my fault. I was hugely disappointed. I wanted to hear voices. I wanted to hear the knock on the desk. But every sound was a beep or brain "surge". My audiologist told me this is a process. This is not what I will hear later. The brain has to adapt first. Each sound will sound like a beep and over time the brain will adapt to the sound and it will become a meaningful and clear sound. My cochlea has never been stimulated so it is stimulating my brain in a way that it never has. So that's why they have to start as low as possible and increase it with adjustments in the weeks and months to come. This is where I made my mistake.....I wanted it all the first day. Todd watched me closely.....he knows me so well. He told me later that he knew from my expressions on my face during the appointment that I would break down in the car. He was bracing for that. And sure enough, he was right. I got in my mom's car and had a meltdown. I was in a place I did not want to be. I was disappointed. I was sad. I was frightened. I was afraid this was all a mistake. The ride home was a long one. We pulled in my driveway and I had a second meltdown.  I was just feeling lost in my emotions. Todd, my Mom and Dad held me and comforted me. They enveloped me with their love. Over the next few hours, I was taking it off in 15-20 minute increments to allow my brain to adapt. I felt worse as the hours passed. The brain "surges" to each sound were too uncomfortable and intolerable.  I tried and tried. My stomach was hurting. I had a metallic taste in my mouth with each surge. My chest and face turned red. My body was tensed up because I was bracing for each surge. My anxiety level was through the roof. I tried to make out sounds but every sound whether it was high or low.....a paper dropping, a voice, a clap, silverware dropping was the same surge/electrical sound. I was increasingly getting frustrated. My gut feeling was telling me something was not right. I had it at the lowest setting and it should be at a comfortable level from what I was told. After much talk with my family, I decided not to wear it for the remainder of the weekend until I call on Monday to get in for another adjustment. I need to go as low as possible and work from there. I think maybe since my expectations were too high, I was asking for a level that was too much for my brain to handle. My Mom stayed with me until 11pm that night. She knows me and understands me so well. I needed her and she was with me. When she left, Todd and I stayed up until 1am just talking and exploring my feelings. He is my rock. I crashed in bed from all of the overstimulation that day. I woke up at 4am from a nightmare. I dreamed I was at my funeral of my old life. I woke up in a sweat and I was frightened. I didn't know what this meant and I was scared. I texted my oldest son, Chris in Texas later in the morning since no one was up. I told him about my dream. He told me it must have some meaning behind it......that it must have meant I was starting a new life. I was somewhat relieved and thinking maybe he is right. What a great insight from him. I reached out to my hearing speech teacher, Ann, from when I was young by email and told her my feelings and what I experienced the day before. She immediately responded and asked me to chat with her on instant message. I chatted with her for awhile. She told me I needed adjustments made and to call on Monday. She said to think of it like a wedding dress fitting. It will take several fittings to find the right "fit" for me. She told me to take a deep breath, relax, take it off my shoulders the rest of the weekend and start anew on Monday when I make the call. She told me she knows I can do this since she watched me learn under her wing from the time I was 2 years old. I got off the chat with her feeling relieved and somewhat better. But it also brought up emotions. Emotions of knowing I need to come to terms with my feelings, accepting that at the age of 44 I have to learn this as if I am a baby being introduced to sound and starting all over. I crawled into my bed, woke up Todd and had a good cry in his arms. He held me and comforted me. I spent the rest of the weekend trying to sort out my feelings, coming to terms with it and telling myself it's okay to have these feelings. I willingly received the support from my husband, my children, my parents, my teacher, and my best friend.  I prayed alot.....I know God is holding me up. He is strong for me when I am not. I know that prayers from everyone are lifting me up......I take great comfort in that. I can do this. I have to overcome my fear for tomorrow. I CAN do this and I WILL. "Practice, patience, persistence and prayer".......

How will I ever sleep tonight??

Oh my gosh, my BIG day is here tomorrow!! My ear will be turned on! I cannot even describe in words how I've been feeling all week. I went back to work on Tuesday. I have been feeling awesome all week. I feel 100 percent healthy again. All of my headaches and tiredness went away. My energy level has skyrocketed this week. I've come across some trials this week and I've been tested but nothing and I mean, absolutely nothing can knock me down. God sustains me through everything! I'm focused on tomorrow......I am ready. Tomorrow will be a culmination of a true miracle that I have been waiting for all of my life. A miracle and a gift that I am so grateful to receive. I am so excited to have my family with me to witness this. My Mom and Dad, who gave me life and poured everything they had into me will share this beautiful moment with me. I know my Mom will cry a river of tears. :) Todd, my soulmate and my rock.....he and I have been linked steadfast and strong through all of this.......I am the luckiest woman alive and I can't wait to share this with him. I am taking Matt, Andrew and Hannah out of school.....they are truly excited for me! And I know that Chris, in Texas will be with me in spirit.....I can't wait to call him! I have a really amazing family.....I am truly blessed. And my friends......wow, I am so thankful for all of your support and encouraging words these last eight months!
So...... I've got major butterflies in my stomach but it's a good feeling! I am counting down the hours til 2:00pm. Stay tuned for my video tomorrow! :)

Halfway there!!!

I woke up this morning and looked at my calendar on my fridge.....and realized I am halfway there. I am ten days post op and I have 10 more days until my ear is turned on! My eyes welled with tears. Tears of excitement, joy and anticipation. Tears of gratefulness.....there are no words to express how grateful I am of my gift from God. Everything that has happened along the way in my life leading up to today and all my tomorrows is all part of God's plan for me. What a beautiful thing to witness! I am just beyond grateful.
I had my post op appointment yesterday with Dr. Turner. When he walked in the room and saw me, he flashed a huge smile at Todd and I . I can tell he is excited for me. My immediate thought in my head was, does he realize the impact of his role in this life changing event for me? He is very pleased with my recovery. My incision and the inside of my ear looks great. I can now get my incision wet. I have no pain whatsoever. The only thing I have are headaches and tiredness but it is improving each day. He tells me my headaches are probably caused by my brain working harder to hear out of the other side with my hearing aid. He also tells me tiredness is normal coming off the anesthetic and surgery and I should be feeling good as new in a week. He tells me I can start exercising again but to wait another week before I start my running again. I am very happy. I give him my heartfelt thanks before I leave the room......I only hope he realizes how much I mean it.
Since today was a big day for me.....my halfway point.....I reflected on so much of my life leading up to today. Lots of emotions.....good ones. I think about how a very small part of the beginning of my life impacts a very big part of what is happening in the now of my life.

                                                                 My Mom and I

This photo of my Mom and I in the newspaper when I was almost three years old means so much to me. This small part of the beginning of my young life is HUGE to me.....I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for the love, perserverance and dedication of my Mom and Dad. This is how I learned to lipread and talk.....by "feeling" the words on my Mom and Dad's faces. They spent hours with me each day....I would learn a word by "feeling" the word on their face and watching their lips. I would repeat the word by sounding it out and watching how they formed the word with their lips. There were no hand signs taught. This went on for many years along with speech therapy. Being able to hear some with my hearing aids is only a small fraction of why I am where I am today. I lipread and talk well because of the foundation my parents laid down for me when I was a young child. As a child, I had no idea how much work they poured into me. It was my "normal" and was a part of my daily life growing up. It was all I knew. As an adult and a Mom, I know now how much did everything in their power for their child, me, to teach me and give me a life as normal as possible so that I could grow and flourish. And that I did. I surpassed beyond what others told my Mom and Dad could be done. I am where I am today because of them and for that I will never, ever forget. Because of what they taught me, I know that I am prepared for when my ear is turned on! It won't be easy. It will be a hard and long road ahead of me.  But I'm strong and mentally prepared.....I can handle this. I went through years of training to "feel words" and I have the foundation to now "listen" to the words and new sounds when my ear is turned on. I know that I have tremendous support from my family and friends to help me with new sounds.....it will be amazing and I am so grateful that I have so many people rallying behind me.  Thank you Mom and Dad for always fighting for me and helping me get to where I am today.....I love you both.

Day 2 post-op......feeling pretty good!

Todd and I arrived at Kettering Hospital at 10:45am on Thursday. The next two hours were spent asking me lots of health questions and prepping me for surgery. Dr. Turner came in to see me before they took me back. We both smiled at each other and I told him I was so excited and held his hand with thankfulfulness. I think he knew. I was putting all my trust in him and was grateful for his skilled hands that he was about to perform on me. I silently said a prayer for him and for God to guide him during the surgery and to be with me. I was very much at peace. The anesthesiologist came in and introduced herself. She explained what she would be doing and told me I would have a breathing tube during the surgery. She asked me if I had any loose teeth and I told her, "No. I better not because I'm a dental hygienist!" We laughed. Within minutes, they were injecting the sleepy juice in my IV and getting ready to wheel me into the operating room. Todd and I kissed and said our I love you's. Before I knew it, I was out and in recovery! When they woke me up in recovery, I started bawling like a baby. At that moment, I was just feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for what I just received. I kept asking where Todd was. I just wanted to see his face. After a half hour, they wheeled me into the post-op recovery room where Todd was waiting for me. We immediately hugged. I was so glad to see him and I could see the relief on his face. I was amazed at how quickly they sent me home. I was in recovery for only an hour. I responded so well that they said I could go home. My Mom was waiting for me at home. It was so good to see her face. She came to stay the night with me since Todd had to work that evening. I was so grateful she nursed Andrew and I. Andrew had just broken his ankle in his football game a few days prior! My dad stopped by with my prescriptions so that Todd could get some rest before going into work.  I was glad to see him. Hannah got off the bus at 4:20pm and I was so glad to see her.  She was happy to see me and we immediately hugged. I love my girl. I knew she worried about me all day in school. I was anxious to see Matt after he got off work. He sent me a loving text message from school just as I was on my way to the hosptital. I appreciated that and it warmed my heart. My Mom took care of my family and fixed them dinner while I rested. I got sick once. I wasn't feeling too bad other than the really bad headache I had. I think it was because the head bandage was wrapped too tight. I slept on the couch because it felt better to stay propped up. I decided to try ice on my head and boy, did that really help. I woke up every three hours to take a pain pill because of my headache. The first time I woke up, I saw my Mom on the other couch sleeping ( I told her to sleep in Chris's room) and I tried to stay quiet while opening the pill bottle so I wouldn't wake her. But she woke up instinctively every time I woke up and brought me a fresh bag of ice each time. I was grateful she was with me all night.....it was nice to have my Mommy take care of me. :) I woke up in the morning. I felt well rested. My Mom said she felt like I slept well. I was still feeling groggy but more alert. My head still hurt but I wasn't queasy anymore. I felt well enough to stop the pain pills after only 16 hours and rely on just Tylenol. I was ready to get the bandage off (my doctor said I could take it off the next day) and I waited until Todd got home from work. Both Todd and my Mom took the bandage off. I immediately felt better once it was off. I was amazed at how clean the incision was and how very little my hair was shaved off. My Mom was in awe. My surgeon did an excellent job. I was very happy. I rested on the couch the rest of the day. My brother, Jeff came to visit me. He brought me chicken noodle soup....it was the only thing that tasted good at the moment. Todd's mom came over early in the afternoon after my nap. She brought me flowers. My Mom left in the evening after Todd woke up. I was glad she stayed with me. My Dad visited me late in the evening. I fell asleep early at 10:30pm. I only woke up twice in the night to take Tylenol. I slept well. I woke up this morning feeling much more alert. I was still a little groggy but much more alert. I was feeling very pleased with my progress! I have no pain in my ear at all. Just a nagging headache. My head feels tight where the incision is and I can feel the bump where the magnet is. My recovery is going much better than I ever expected. I know it is attributed to myself getting healthy in the months prior to my surgery with running and eating healthy. Todd made me my favorite ginger tea and eggs just the way I like it for breakfast. It felt good to start feeling some normalcy. I took a shower. Then Todd washed my hair carefully not to get my ear or incision wet while I leaned my head back over the bathtub. I felt 100 percent better. I'm supposed to take it easy for the next two weeks but I wanted to get some fresh air on this beautiful day. I asked Todd to walk me to the end of the driveway and back. He held my hand the entire time and I appreciated him just being there for me. After that, I sat on my patio for a few minutes by myself basking in the sun. I love the warmth of the sun on my face. I sat there just really appreciating everything in my life and the gift from God that I received. I have completed this leg of my journey and now I just need to heal and take care of myself. I will wait patiently until the 28th.....when my ear is "turned on"!

 

 

 Excited!

Getting my sleepy juice before surgery

 

 

                                                                       Post-op
                                                                             

My incision

After washing my hair! :)

                                    
                                                        

I am so thankful....

Oh my gosh, today has been a day full of anticipation and excitement! I had an awesome day at work today. It really helped pass the time. My boss, Dr H took our office staff out to lunch today and they gave me a really sweet card. I had a wonderful time with them.....they are all excited for me. I am so blessed to work with an awesome team.....they are like family to me.
My surgery is at 12:45pm tomorrow. I am a little nervous but more excited than anything. I really have a peace about all of this. And I feel very mentally ready. This is a lifelong dream of mine. I look forward to hearing my children's voices for the first time, all of my family's voices especially Todd's, listening to music, talking on the telephone (the very first person I will call is my son, Chris in Texas!), going to the movies, listening to sounds of nature, hearing the Sunday sermons and so much more!
I just want to say thank you to everyone for their love, support, encouraging words and prayers. It means the world to me. I love sharing my experiences with you and I will continue to share the rest of my exciting journey with you. I am so grateful beyond words......

It's like waiting for Christmas.......

I feel like a little girl waiting for Christmas to get here. I have butterflies in my stomach. I'm anxious and excited. I didn't think I was nervous but Todd made the comment yesterday that he can tell I'm a little nervous because I've gotten the nesting instinct. The planner in me has kicked in overdrive! With raising four children, I've always been a planner.....it creates a sense of calm in the chaos of our schedules. I love to make things easier for Todd because he puts in 60 hours plus in a week at work. He does so much to provide for our family So....I've been cleaning, getting all the laundry caught up, going to the grocery and making sure the bills are paid. I feel so much better. So yes, Todd is probably right, I am subconciously nervous. I need that sense of calm going into my surgery. Two days ago, I got a massage to help me relax and relieve some tension. I love my massages from Sue, a very dear friend of mine. She used to be my babysitter when I was young! I am very fond of her and it was a treat seeing her. It was just what I needed to relax. I also had a really cool conversation this last week with a gentleman my Mom introduced to me by Facebook. Dan had a cochlear implant seven years ago and he answered many of my questions. It was so helpful and he put some of my fears at ease. I was grateful for the correspondence and hope to meet him someday. It is a good thing I am working the next two days.....it will help pass the time. It is so crazy to think it's almost here. After eight months of waiting. God has a plan for me and I love watching it unfold.....