Thursday, March 22, 2012

"Be still and know that I am God".....

I know it has been awhile since my last post. So much has happened the last few weeks. It has been a little over six weeks since my doctor's office submitted the request for my cochlear implant to my insurance company. The first few weeks flew by for me as I kept busy with the winding down of my boys', Matt and Andrew's wrestling season. Those weeks were lifesavers for me because I didn't have time to think about waiting for an approval. I just thought one day I would be surprised to get the letter in the mailbox when I least expected it. That was for came on a day that I least expected it and it was not the letter I wanted. Three weeks ago, my son Matt wrestled at the high school state tournament at Ohio State in Columbus. All of our family were there.....we were all thrilled and excited to be sharing this with him for the second time in his high school wrestling career. In a matter of a day, it all changed. It went from high emotions of excitement to moments of heartbreak and scariness. Matt had an infection behind his knee earlier in the week and it developed into cellulitis. It spread so fast within hours of the state tournament. It was so hard for me as a Mom to watch my son suffer heartbreak as he lost the match to place by one point. He fought as long as he could with the pain he had. He knew before the match he had to go to the hospital regardless if he won or lost. What we thought would be just a few hours in the hospital turned out to be almost four days. It was much more serious than we thought and Matt ended up having surgery on his knee. He was on IV antibiotics for three days. I learned alot that weekend. I learned about perserverance.... how hard he perservered through pain was an amazing thing for me to watch, although so heartbreaking. I witnessed God's grace through many events that unfolded that weekend. We were so blessed to have so many friends in our wrestling community rally behind Matt and our family. After almost 4 days he was able to come home. My oldest, Chris had flown in from Texas that same weekend to spend his spring break at home. I was so elated all of us would be home together that week and couldn't wait to get home. The day we came home from the hospital, I flipped through my mail. I see an envelope from Anthem and opened it thinking it was another claim form. It was the letter I least expected. All I could see was the word "PENDED" in capital letters. My heart sank. I read the letter several times. I took it as being denied. I went into my room and cried a little. Or maybe alot. I texted my Mom and Dad. Todd knew I was disappointed but yet he remained hopeful. He reminded me that my audiologist said at the beginning this might happen and that it happens alot. My Mom and Dad were still being very positive and tried to be encouraging to me. At the time, I thought, okay, this will just be another week or so. I focused on Matt's recovery at home and cherished the time I had with Chris the remaining week. I kept busy at work the following week. I felt somewhat sad and alone in my thoughts each day. It was like I was in this whirlwind of activities for so many weeks then, whoa, it came to a halt. There wasn't anything for me to do but think. I was sad Chris had to leave. My mind would race and the planner in me would think all these thoughts of how I would plan my surgery date around our summer activities. I became focused on checking the mail everyday. It was consuming my thoughts and I became more discouraged each day. There were two days I slept alot. I think I was trying to escape how I felt. It was not like me and I didn't like the way I felt. I didn't like the way I was allowing it to play with my emotions. I poured out my feelings to Todd earlier this week.  He is my best friend and my rock. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes. He tells me I need to let it go and let it happen. I am reminded God is in control. As a mom, I like to plan things and make things easier around our many activities, as I think most moms are, and as much as I would like to be in control, really.....I am not. God is in control. Today has been a tearful one for me. Not tears of sadness, but tears of realization and thankfulness. I realized today I had been cramming my days with activities to take the focus off of waiting for my approval. I wanted to be surprised and get that letter in the midst of all my activities. I was trying to control how I wanted it to happen. Today, I came across Psalm 46:10: "Be still and know that I am God." Wow, I feel like God is telling me something. My world was busy and all of a sudden it's's so easy to get caught up in it. Maybe this was His way of telling me to take time out, draw near Him, to pause and know that He is God. It is only in stillness, when every other voice is hushed, that we can hear the voice of God. Be still, and know. He wants me to trust in Him, in His plan for me. I am so thankful for a faithful God who loves me and knows my plan before I do!

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