No excuses.....

It's been a very trying week for me. It has only been ten days since my ear was turned on. Sometimes it feels a lot longer. The first few days were very difficult for me since I worked the day after it was turned on. My work environment is not really an ideal place to start listening with the cochlear implant. My audiologist started me with the high pitches only at a low level. Apparently, that was a little too much for me since the noise at my work consists of mostly high pitch sounds. At my dental office, there were constant high pitch sounds such as my boss's high speed drill (and his room is next to mine), the suction, the air syringe and the ultrasonic. I worked two days in a row and both days I came home and fell asleep for three hours. I never take naps. My brain was just on sensory overload. I was exhausted. My brain was being stimulated in a way that it never has. I have never heard high pitch sounds in my life. My hearing aid really only picks up the low pitch noises. So, this has been a  really a difficult adjustment for me. I had a couple of meltdowns after about 5 days of activation. This is a huge emotional adjustment for me. For 44 years, I heard a certain way with my hearing aids. It was very comfortable for me. It was all I knew. Then boom, that all changes. I felt like I was thrown into the fire. My emotions were all over the place. I wasn't prepared for this at all. I was hearing all kinds of high pitches and beeps and I had to try to figure them out. I felt like a baby learning all over again. That was extremely difficult for me. I was frustrated. Some people have a hard time understanding. Some think that once it's turned on, I hear everything. My audiologist tells me what I hear now won't be what I hear in six months from now. This is a long, hard and tedious learning process. The best way I can explain it is......let's say they come out with a miracle cure for someone who is paralyzed in their legs and they are able to stimulate their legs the same way my brain and cochlea are being stimulated. Will they be able to get up and walk and run the first day or the first week? No, absolutely not. It takes time to build up the muscles in their legs. They have to train their legs hour after hour, day after day in the weeks and months to come before they can have the ability to run. My situation is the same way. I am starting with the high pitches and I have to listen and learn every day to try to figure out what sounds they are. Each week, more pitches are added to my program because I have to allow my brain to adapt and grow. The low pitches are barely even added in my program so I'm not hearing the low sounds yet. This is where it was difficult for me last week. I wanted to hear my family's voices. I wanted to hear the microwave. I wanted to hear cars going by and so much more. All I hear are the speech sounds and high pitches noises. After the week I had, I could see where it would be easy to quit. It would be so easy to go back to my old life. But I can't. I'm not a quitter. I've got to keep going. No excuses. My hearing speech teacher, Ann came back to Dayton this past weekend. She was only here for three days. In between her being here for her sister's surgery and my leaving for Texas to move my oldest son, we managed to find a block of time to be together for two hours. It was short but we made it happen. She knew I needed to see her. It was exactly what I needed. She was my teacher over 40 years ago and I hadn't seen her for over 30 years until this past April. Yet, she is still my teacher in every way without asking. She's been there for me these last few weeks.....always encouraging me. She believes in me.  I love Ann dearly and I am so grateful we found each other again. When I saw her on Friday, with her encouraging words I was able to reach deep down inside my heart and believe in myself again. No excuses. I had an adjustment that Friday and she went with me. Over the weekend I became aquainted with new sounds. Voices are still cartoonish but I am being patient. When I was at the Atlanta airport for a four hour layover, I found it it was very noisy! Lots of high pitch sounds with people wheeling their luggage by. It is a very busy airport.  I had a massive headache and after three hours and taking much ibuprofen and Tylenol, I decided to give my brain a break by taking it off. I was proud of myself for keeping it on that long at the airport. While I helped Chris move, I was hearing different sounds in his apartment and he helped me figure out where they were coming from. He has a deadbolt lock on his apartment lock and I could hear the key turn the lock every time. While we were sorting through his stuff, he was going through his magazines to throw away. I kept hearing squeaky noises. It took me awhile to figure it out but it was the sound of him turning the pages! After we got done with the move, we decided to stop at a Barnes and Nobles to relax a little before heading back to the hotel. It was quiet in the bookstore but I kept hearing quiet high pitch noises but couldn't figure out where the source was coming from. Chris had to listen and then he tells me I am hearing little kids' voices from another part of the store! See, my family is every part of this learning process with me. They have to really listen because most of what I am hearing are sounds they have tuned out over the years. It is amazing to watch Todd and the kids listen to sounds for me because they have tuned them out and they are in awe when they realize what I am now hearing are sounds they have taken for granted. I have noticed my brain has adapted over the last few days. What has sounded so high in the beginning is not so high now. It is not as annoying. At first, I thought something was wrong with my battery. I changed my battery twice and I still had to turn the volume up. I had an "aha" moment! My brain is adapting. I felt pretty good about that. That means I can add more to my next adjustment this Friday. Today, I decided to overcome my fear of going on a run. Four days before my ear was turned on, I was attacked by a dog while I was on a walk in my neighborhood which required me to go to the hospital for stitches. It was a pretty bad wound and it frightened me since I did not hear the dog until it was too late. I was trying to work my way up to running again as I was nearing the end of my recovery from surgery when this attack happened. Two weeks passed. I woke up today and decided I would do this today. No excuses. It was a beautiful morning with the leaves changing and I armed myself with pepper spray. It felt so good to run again. I turned my hearing aid off a few times during my run to just listen with the implant. I kept hearing a soft whistling noise at times and I realized it was myself breathing hard! Since it was a little chilly my nose would start to run.....I could hear myself sniff. As I was running I kept hearing squeaky noises and realized it was the crushing sound of the fall leaves as I ran through the piles. I purposely ran through some more pile of leaves just to listen to that sound. :) I would hear small beeps but couldn't figure out what they were. I am guessing they might have been birds chirping. I later told Todd he needs to sit outside with me to listen to birds to see if that was what I was hearing. It was a good day of listening and learning. I am feeling more and more confident in myself each day. This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life but it is getting easier each day. I've learned I have to crawl before I walk and walk before I run.....I know I can do this and my reward will be greater in the long run. No excuses......